Is This the Real Reason You're Staying Stuck in Life?
I’m convinced that one of the worst feelings in the world is holding on to a situation, a person, a mindset that no longer serves our growth or highest good.
I know how this feels firsthand because I, too, have held on longer than I should have several times in my life. From staying at different jobs that stressed me out and didn’t pay me what I was worth to relationships with friends that were filled with drama, negativity, and gossip, I have overstayed my welcome in circumstances that did not serve my highest good.
When I first moved to Miami, I didn’t know a single soul. All of my friends lived in every major city in the US except Miami. Great for vacation, not so much for wanting to grab dinner. Anyhoo, I found out about MeetinMiami and started attending events that interested me. It helped get me out of the house and to meet other people. I met a girl there who had also just moved and she was from Texas. I was like, “Woo-hoo! This is great. Another Texas girl in the house. Yay!”
Well, not so much. It turns out that we didn't really have anything in common and saw life very differently. It was really hard to hang out with her because I pretty much disagreed with everything that came out of her mouth. I tried to be her friend, but found that I didn’t really enjoy her company, Texan or not.
However, I didn’t know anyone and I figured it was better to hang out with her and try to deal with her personality than to sit at home alone. So months dragged by before I finally just had to stop hanging out with her and being her friend altogether.
Around the same time, I met one of my dearest friends whose positivity and kindness still uplift me even to this day. It was only when I decided to let go of what was no longer serving me that the Universe could give me what I needed and more.
I don't want you to think that I wrote this just to badmouth a former friend. Not at all. I'm certain that she has been a wonderful friend to other people. She may be able to say some things about the type of friend I was to her. That's cool. I will always wish her the absolute best.
Our friendship just didn't work out. I'm sharing this story because I want you to know that sometimes things don't work out and change is necessary. That's perfectly okay.
In a sense, I was suffering from what I like to call the “conundrum of change.” The conundrum of change is a situation where
we know we NEED change
we WANT change
we KNOW change is for the best
and, at the same, time, we stay stuck in our situation and we do NOT change.
Everything in us longs for change, a new way of being, and knows that it’s ultimately good for us to do so. Yet we hesitate and never make a move, thus staying in a situation that sucks.
Here are five ways to tell if you’re experiencing the conundrum of change:
1. You’ve got an excuse for everything.
I believe that excuses are the Kryptonite of greatness. You can’t be Superman or Superwoman if you’re allowing yourself to take to heart every excuse that enters your mind.
We can make excuses for everything under the sun --
“The timing is wrong.”
“I’m not ready.”
“I don’t have enough money or time to launch a new business.”
“I am not good at Math, so I can’t get my GED.”
“I am too fat to learn how to surf.”
I started to give myself more compassion when I heard Mel Robbins talk about how everything inside of us is wired to keep us safe. The minute we start contemplating change or getting outside of our comfort zone, there is a primal instinct in us that rears its head and says, “Nope. Gotta keep myself safe.” It doesn’t even matter if the change or getting outside of our comfort zone proves to be BETTER than our current situation -- this instinct shuts us down and keeps us safe and sound where we are.
That being said, it’s important to recognize the fact that your excuse making machine has its heart in the right place -- keeping you safe and sound. However, you’ve got to honor your desires, your dreams, and your goals. You can’t fulfill your life’s purpose if you’re afraid to leave the house. You can’t meet the man of your dreams if you keep holding on to the one who treats you like poo. You can’t get a better job if you won’t even submit your resume.
God wants to give you a life even better than the one you dream of, but it can’t if you’re holding on to the one you have now with a death grip.
The reality is the timing will never be just right. You’ll never be 100% ready. The circumstances and stars won’t be perfectly aligned for you to begin. The truth is you just start and then life will follow your lead.
It’s not that you don’t have enough time in your day. It’s that it’s just not that big of a priority for you. Oprah taught me that. Instead of hiding behind excuses, own it and say, “It’s just not important enough for me.” That change in wording can help you to determine what you want.
You’re bigger than your greatest excuse and you deserve better, Honey Bunny.
2. You spend loads of time over analyzing your current situation.
Oftentimes, we put off much needed change because we are still thinking about it from every angle imaginable and then some.
I am all about due diligence and thoroughly understanding how change affects both your life and those around you. I would never suggest for you to rush into anything and I do believe in planning.
However, if we are stuck in the planning phase and never move into execution mode, we are really just spinning our wheels in the mud and won’t get anywhere.
I, too, am guilty of this even when it comes to my business. I will spend so much time building out an elaborate plan and then not execute on it because it’s not absolutely perfect and I haven’t accounted for every unknown fathomable.
An acute sense of perfectionism is often hiding behind this characteristic of the change conundrum. I want you to consider that every single person who has ever done anything worthwhile started before they were ready, used what they had at their disposable (which might not have been the best material for the job), and just starting implementing change.
Life wants to help you, but you gotta get moving first. It will follow your lead, but you must move forward consistently in the direction you want to go. It’ll then start showing you the way to do it better, faster, and with more ease.
3. You are either overcome with dread or you find yourself hesitating. Either way, you stop dead in your tracks.
Fear. Dread. Hesitation. Overwhelm. Wanting to hide so that you don’t have to face the inevitable.
Oh, yeah, boo, you’ve got a case of the conundrum of change.
One of my beautiful readers, Corina, recently reminded me of a profound Winnie the Pooh quote that gets to the heart of facing fear:
“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
I know your fears seem humongous and insurmountable. I know it feels like you’re not strong enough or smart enough or that you don’t have what it takes to make it on your own.
Do me a favor.
Take a look back at your story. Recall all of the times that you faced a mountain that you feared climbing. You did it. You got over it. Whether it was gunning for a promotion at your company even though you didn’t feel qualified because you didn’t have your Bachelor’s like everyone else or kicking your high school boyfriend to the curb because he was no good for you, you have shown amazing strength and courage. You have survived 100% of your worst days and you are still here.
Honor that and know that you can and will do it as many times as you need to in order to live the life of your dreams. You are capable of that and so much more. It’s time to start trusting in yourself.
4. It’s easier to put everyone else’s needs and wants before your own. Or you’re focusing on non-priority tasks like their deadline was yesterday and your boss is upset.
Has doing laundry all of a sudden become the utmost important task of the morning even though you said yesterday that you were going to work out in the AM?
Are you going thru the minuscule tasks of your to-do list all because you’re avoiding that one huge thing that would change the game for you?
Are you rearranging your shoes because you’re putting off that phone conversation you’ve been dreading? Yup, I’m guilty of that one.
You can put off what it is that you need to do, but you cannot drown out the voice of your inner wisdom.
I think about the Bible story of Jonah and the Whale.
God specifically told Jonah to go preach in Nineveh. However, Jonah had other plans and headed in the opposite direction. He did not want to be a preacher. Public speaking was not his jam. It filled him with dread and he wasn’t about all that. What other people did was none of his business. He was not gonna tell the people of Nineveh to repent. Nope. Instead, he decided he was gonna go help his auntie and cousins build a house. So he got on a boat to Tarsish.
Well, there is no escaping the Lord, Honey Bunny.
All of a sudden, there was a gigantic storm and the sailors got spooked. They blamed the storm on Jonah and threw his butt off the boat. Bye, Felicia. The storm stopped just in time for a whale to come along and swallow Mr. Jonah.
And there he sat. In the belly of a whale. For three days. He finally agrees to go to Nineveh and the whale spits him out on the store. He goes and does his preaching thing and the people of Nineveh repent.
Although I added my LaTisha flavor to that Bible story, you can see that the whole situation could’ve been avoided if Jonah would’ve just fulfilled his divine mission instead of focusing on anything and everything besides Nineveh.
I don’t know about you but I’m not about sitting in a belly of any whale. Nope. Not me. Not today. “I’m gonna make a change for once in my life,” like Man in the Mirror says.
5. You feel like you're not enough.
Believe it or not, it really hurts me to think of you feeling that you’re not enough. I mean it. I’ve talked about how having a baby changed the way I view people -- I see the precious inner child within. I feel your light and I see your divine potential. I now have a tiny understanding of how much the Universe loves us because of the way that I love my daughter. The love I feel for her pales in comparison to what God feels for each of us and I love her with my entire being.
I know that Life wants you to win because you’re here. You’ve been criticized, ridiculed, beaten, and broken.
And you’re still here.
I don’t pretend to know the details of your life story and I know that shitty things happen. I’m not one of those Suzie Sunshine people that hides behind positive affirmations and peppiness. That’s not my style. I’m simply sharing with you my perspective in the hopes that something I share sets off a chain of reaction that positively shapes your life.
Oftentimes, we accept the migajas, the getting by, the cheating, the lying, the blatant abuse of power because we’ve been conditioned to think that we aren’t enough and we don’t deserve better.
I want you to know that nothing is further from the truth.
Just because others haven’t seen your worth or have done their best to brainwash you into thinking that you don’t matter and you don’t have a say DOES NOT MAKE IT TRUE.
You are enough. You are worthy. You deserve what you desire.
Keep in mind that whatever is on the inside of you is mirrored on the outside. As I shared before in my blog post, The Simple, Impactful Strategy That Helped Me Change My Life, everything starts with the thoughts you're thinking.
You may not have direct control of your circumstances. The truth is you don’t necessarily need to have control of others or what’s going on around you. You are absolutely 100% in control of the narrative you tell yourself, how you interpret your experiences and how you show up in life.
You may doubt what I’m saying, but consider this: you’ve lived your life up until this point with the same habits, perspective, etc. and look where it’s gotten you.
What would happen if you gave what I’m saying a serious try? Like really gave it your all. Sure, there’s a possibility that it might not work. In that case, go back to what you’ve always thought, done, and known.
Oh, but what an amazing thought to consider the possibility that you discover firsthand that what I’m saying is true and that it does change your life for the better.
I think that’s a risk worth taking, don’t you?
I get it, Honey Bunny.
I’ve seen people go to great lengths to stay right where they are, even though they were currently residing in hell on earth. All because the unknown is scarier and uncertain. Because it would mean no longer turning a blind eye to what’s going on and addressing the bullshit. Because it would mean having to stand up for themselves and setting clear boundaries in their relationships and their careers.
I get that there is a certain comfort in the way things are now, a certain familiarity. What’s that saying? “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t."
I’ve experienced it myself -- what happens to a person when she decides that she’s not gonna put up with, stay stuck with, or receive less than what she is truly worth.
Don’t get it twisted, either. I’m not saying it’s gonna be easy. I’m not saying that there won’t be days where you want to go back to Egypt like the Israelites did in the book of Exodus. What I’m saying is that it will be worth it. You cannot reach the promised land if you stay stuck in the conundrum of change.
I know you can do it. I believe in you. Now it’s time for you to know it yourself.
Now it’s your turn. Comment below and tell me which symptom of the change conundrum you identify the most with and why.
I’m cheering for you. Like the angels did the day you were born.